Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
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“Grey’s Anatomy” but it’s told entirely through the lens of the hospital’s HR department.
Two people are breaking up outside my window right now & I just heard one of them scream YOU DON’T EVEN FOLLOW ME ON INSTAGRAM. Some things are unforgivable.
Facebook memories be like
My superpower is choosing the one table in a restaurant next to the woman talking loudly enough that I know her entire family tree when I leave.
“We’ll call you” – OH NO
“You call us” – OH NO
local police are looking for a peeping tom, I’m heading over to pick up an application
Please remind your boss & Aunt Linda that I’ve trademarked the phrase “in these uncertain times” and they each owe me 50 bucks.
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
[walks into gym with my sunglasses on]
WHATS UP LADIES
*takes off sunglasses*
damn it 3rd treadmill I’ve hit on this week
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
You hang up
“No, you hang up”
You hang up first!
– Bats going to bed
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
Why is it when you take a break from Twitter everyone assumes you’re happy and in love…
Maybe I was in jail.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
With age comes wisdom. And digestive trouble.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Next time you want to hurt a horse’s feelings, tell him he’s hung like a human.
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*
Don’t blame me for the world’s problems, I was practically raised by the Muppets as a kid.
Nose
mom had nothing to worry about
Surprise them all by pulling a sword on your maid of honor.
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
Spot cleaning is my favorite because I clean like two spots in my house and then I’m done.
[working at zoo]
“Are you the idiot who fed peanuts to the panda?! They don’t eat nuts!”
– They’re legumes
“They’re mammals”
– What?
“What?”
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. Or plates. Paper plates are ok. No hammers, though. What are you – Thor?