Friend: Are you on social media?
Me, panicked: What’s a Twitter? Never heard of it. Nice foot clothes you’re wearing today.
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An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
I’m not afraid of dying. I’m afraid of ending up in a nursing home with a roommate who has Justin Bieber posters and Twilight shirts.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
“Have you tried just letting go?” Me as a therapist
“Whatever you do, don’t let go!” Me as a part-time mountain climbing instructor
Was a bad day at the office the time I mixed those two up…
HEADLINE: Recent Studies Show Old White Dudes Possibly Becoming Obsolete. “This is bad for everybody,” say Old White Dudes.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
[Home Depot]
Me: I’ll take your finest home
*All surrounding dads tear up with joy*
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
Most of my job is making things idiot proof, but they keep making better idiots.
Me: Forgive me father for I have sinned. I’m here to cleanse my conscience.
Bartender: So…the usual?
MOM: One more word and you are grounded missy
ME: (terrified of being electrocuted) Yay!
“WHAT ARE WE TO TELL THE CHILDREN ABOUT GAYS MARRYING?”
Dunno. I’ll ask my 5-year-old, who just married her stuffed bear to a stuffed pony.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
*after five days of storms with record rainfall remembers to turn off sprinkler system*
*grass dies due to lack of water*
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
Just saw my evil doppelganger speed away in a DeLorean. I’m sure it’s fine
[Toddler 911]
911: what’s your emergency?
Son: it’s naptime.
911: have you tried stalling?
Son: I asked for water.
911: and your favorite stuffed animal?
Son: yep.
911: that toy you shoved under the couch?
Son: they don’t know where that’s at.
911: perfect. ask for that.
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: I’m good at untying knots
INTERVIEWER: oh thank god can u get these running shoes off of me?
Seeing all the praise for Conan it’s time I told my own special Conan story. Years ago I first saw Conan. He was funny and I liked him. Then he kept being funny and I was like hell yeah I really like him. Later I found out it wasn’t just me, Conan did this with many other people.
Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
No, officer, no one is being murdered. I just had to rinse the shampoo out of my child’s hair.
The invention of locks was a key turning point in history.
The noise Rice Krispies make in different languages, according to Wikipedia…
Having a tattoo in a hidden place is really just entertainment for the coroner.