WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
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[1st day as IT guy]
CUSTOMER: My laptop is down today, can you help?
ME: I’ll try [softly, to laptop] Cheer up, bud, everything will be ok
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Q: If everyone jumped off a cliff, would you?
A: I don’t know. If everyone used the same hypothetical question to demonstrate a point, would you?
The first 600 years or so of heaven is just harp lessons
If we are eating peas and one falls in the floor my husband can’t wait to say someone “pead on the floor”
I wish I were an octopus so that the answer to all of my problems would be, ‘change color and escape in a cloud of ink’
I’m telling you to go to hell because I’m poor. If I was rich I would kill you.
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Wife: “Oh Honey, what would you do without me?”
Me: “realistically or in my fantasies?”
Guilt should be a condiment. It goes on everything.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Accidentally blurted out “skip intro” when my mother-in-law wasn’t getting to the point.
Dad: I took the tooth and put the money under his pillow
Mom: Do you think he’s getting too old for this?
Dad *getting in car* it is harder since he moved out
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
*draws sword*
*erases sword because it sucks*
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Me: Pfft.. There is scientific evidence that a woman’s brain is lighter than a man’s.
Her: Perhaps because it gets more exercise.
PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
I’m sick and my son just brought me tea and said let me know if you need anything else my queen so I bumped him up in the will and gave him ice cream for dinner.
ME: Humans have 10,000 taste buds. Cats have 470
SON: So cats don’t have much taste
CAT [watching the emoji movie] haha this is hilarious
Are you going to Scarborough Fair?
No mate, sounds shit.
•a lion stalks a fawn•
•a man steps out from behind tree•
I’m Chris Hansen from NBCs to catch a predator, do u know how old that deer is?
Welcome to your 40s…no matter how badly you want to prove to your kid that you can still do a backflip…trust me, it’s not worth it.
AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.