I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
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There’s a fly in the den so my cat is reenacting the Matrix
Nextdoor doesn’t always deliver, but boy oh boy when it does…
The Job Interview:
HR: So you are bilingual?
Me: Si
HR: In your native tongue please.
Me: Ooga Booga
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
“do you know the best way to get rid of a wasp nest?”
no, try using your phone
[throws phone and hits wasp nest]
*running* I meant google it
Vader: I am your father!
Random kid: Really?
Vader: You’ve got like 30 siblings. I’m kind of a man whore.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
After watching Honey Boo Boo, I realize America has much bigger problems than the national debt.
My kids refused to eat the leftover tacos.
My wife said to throw them out.
So I did.Now I don’t know what to do with the tacos….
[nearing end of first date]
Me: I’ll give you a call later, OK?
Her: *throws phone in river* I lost my phone.
I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
Hell hath no fury like a woman not getting responses to her text messages while she sees that you’re continuing to tweet.
Went for a couple of dates with this girl. She invited me back to hers, said I could see her lady garden. I declined and never called her again – I’m not partaking in sexist horticulture
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.
My son is screaming his head off in his room but there’s no way I’m going in there if his monster reports are true.
I’m just a girl.
Standing in front of a girl.
Wondering how she got her eyeliner on so perfectly.
Interviewer: why do u want to work here
me: revenge
[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
[alien parasite invasion]
ME: Welcome to earth, I’ll be your host
i’m having this made into a welcome mat
[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
Whenever someone says, “Would you like your receipt?” I always say yes, because I want the guy at the drive-thru to think I’m writing off my Taco Bell expenses.
Daughter has prom tomorrow so I’ve been practicing my “Menacing Dad Face” all day….so far I’ve had a colleague offer me Tums.
TV ANNOUNCER: Up next, the Masked Singer.
CDC: Good.
[bank heist]
leader: ok everyone put on your balaclavas
me: *looks down at box of freshly baked baklava* i think i’ve made a mistake
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
Don’t spill it
My kitchen now has a lake– me trying to fill up my ice trays
X-tra spooky blend