It’s like this Bartender doesn’t even realize he’s my date now.
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Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
me: when is the last time you had a bath?
4: tomorrow
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
Clerk at Lowes handed me my receipt and I said, “Have a good day.” He responded, “Have an even better day,” and now it’s a god damned contest.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
According to my iPhone 6, I could commit a heinous crime, without using gloves, and have a different fingerprint just minutes later
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
Don’t tell me I look tired unless you’re offering to carry me
Replying to peoples selfies with the phone number to a dermatologist is not OK.
I’ll stop now.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
[Getting chased by cops after heist]
Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.
Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER
I want my 13 year old to understand how important honesty is but also know that she is 12 when kids eat free.
*waves to the bagged salad i’ll throw out in a few days as i get ketchup for my fries
BREAKING NEWS: lost city of atlantis found in detroit pothole
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Jesus Christ lmao
Toh the desire to sin is so great 😜😂😄🤣🤷😜
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
[chopped]
Judge 1: this is disgusting
Judge 2: the chicken is raw
Judge 3: why are there froot loops
[the rat under my hat starts biting me]
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
*offers Batman cough drops*
#SexEdWontTeachYou how to deal with idiots…
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
*decorating the tree*
6yo: Dad, can I help?
Me: Of course! First we string the lights, then we show Mommy & she tells us what we did wrong.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
[starbucks]
ME: I’ll have a mocha latte an can I get an extra sho-
Eminem: *wearing apron* YOU ONLY GET ONE SHOT