*accidentally click on internet explorer*
Internet Explorer: oh what the… HELLO. OMG! WELCOME! HERE, PLEASE USE ME AS YOUR DEFAULT BROWSER. CLICK HERE! NO, DON’T GO! PLEA-
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At the rate at which my kid’s school asks for money, they must think I won the lottery.
Son: Are you eating pie for breakfast?
Me (eating pie): No. Fruit casserole. Want some?
Son: NO. I hate casserole.
Me (whispers): I know…
boss: I’m sorry Alan we’re going to have to let you go
bungee cord tester: N
O
O
o
o
ᵒ
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Thank so much for putting the empty cereal box back in the pantry. Now I get to have disappointment for breakfast..
god: i’m gonna make you murdery
cat: sweet
god: but small
cat: what
god: ˢᵒ ˢᵐᵒˡ
My nephews were over last night and didn’t give me any tweet material so now I need new nephews.
a girl took a grilled cheese out of her purse and threw it across the street like a frisbee to me i never thought i’d be able to love again
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
A coworker said “can you BE anymore annoying?”
So the next day I wore some tap shoes to work.
3am
H: *yells from bedroom*
babe, do I smell cake?
M: *not looking up, eating cake from the pan*
nope, it’s a new plug in
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
Why does the bad guy always have to know some form of martial art? Why cant they just throw stuff while screaming “stay away from me!”
Never been more fit than the semester after my college bf dumped me…hey JP got a beach vacation comin up mind doin it again
Doctor: How long has this been bothering you?
Women: It started after work 2 days ago at 7pm.
Men: I think it started in the 90’s.
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
For my followers who’ve told me they feel shitty about where they are in life right now. Here’s my answer to y’all.
My daughter just said The Offspring is classic rock.
I don’t want this one anymore someone come get her.
My guy friend was like “I went out last night with a girl who is really flexible so you know what that means…” and it’s like, ‘oh yeah, it means your crew has finally found a grease man for the big heist’.
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Kids: Dad why have you never taken us swimming
[thinking of an excuse because I can’t swim]
Me: I got killed by a shark once
a depressed ship hitting an iceberg is called a sightanic.
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Before company arrives we like to clean our house so there’s no evidence that we live like circus monkeys the other 364 days of the year!
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
Torn right now about whether I want to learn Mastodon or just start guessing everyone’s email address.
ME: I wonder if it wrestles cutely too?
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the panda enclosure.
ME: lol. No. *gets mauled to death by panda*