Me: So my car made a noise and..
Mechanic: That’s gonna be expensive.. I can tell already.
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Robin: “Please?”
Batman: “No.”
“It’s prom!”
“You can’t drive the Batmobile!”
Alfred: “Can I? It’s Bingo night.”
Batman: *tosses keys*
[reading of my will]
My son: his shoes!?
Lawyer: he instructs me to say you are his sole heir I’m so sorry
Anyone know the second rule of fight club?
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
20: Roll out of bed looking like a model
30: Blush, brush hair & go
40: Blowout, perfume, push-up bra, mani, Spanx, facial, plaster of Paris
Dragged myself to the fridge because I promised myself I’d be productive tonight and god knows the ice cream isn’t gonna eat itself
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
Whatever you say to someone, do it while slowly landscaping a tiny zen garden to really bring it home.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
The unemployed urge to say I love you during a job interview.
Mirror mirror on the floor, who’s the worst at home decor?
The older I get the less I care about bringing all the groceries inside in one trip
Football is so cute it’s like some guys are like we’re gonna get you and one guys like no no no no
my cat is wearing a cone & has learned to scoop up his food and let it slide into his mouth and it’s giving me serious ideas, folks
relationship goals
“Impeccable” sounds like a general immunity to crow attacks…
In my opinion, we should keep on eating meat until the planet runs out. And then, and only then, do we start on the children.
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
[BAR]
Me: What do you recommend?
Barkeep: Moscow Mule, Mojito, Old Fashi-
M: [Puts finger to his lips] which tastes the most like Capri-sun?
Tim Burton: I have a movie to pitch
Exec: oh boy here we go
Tim Burton: it’s a love story
Exec: go on
Tim Burton: about two people from different parts of town
Exec: sounds pretty cute actually
Tim Burton: oh and he’s super emo and has scissors for hands
Exec: there it is
even after eight years of being a dog parent i am still amazed daily how quickly and brazenly my seat gets stolen
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
I’m probably being paranoid, but I’m pretty sure this guy knows I’m following him
“ICEBERG, RIGHT? A HEAD?”
– Cook on the Titanic, confirming salad ingredients
Sang to the radio on the way home today.
Got every word wrong.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
If the zombie apocalypse hits and you all need a twist tie, my mom has everyone covered.