Screw this, I’m going in search of buried treasure. I’m outta here. *stubs toe on coffee table*
You Might Also Like
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
Last night my wife got pissed because I kicked the ice cubes I dropped under the refrigerator. But now it’s just water under the fridge.
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
google: please stop
me: more frogs with teeth
5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
In an incredible turn of events we’ve been informed that the zodiac killer has killed himself after being mistaken for Ted Cruz
The burrito I ate for lunch today just sent me a push notification.
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
[waking from 10 yr coma] Where am I?
“Don’t worry. You’re home in America”
But…I’m Swedish!
“World Emperor Trump will explain everything”
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
niece: Diamond earrings!?
[flashback to me, drunk, wrapping presents]
me: Oh shit
How many calories are in Twitter beef?
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
My doctor said the claw marks on my face are not from a poltergeist but I should stop trying to put roller skates on cats.
Just got a splinter from a 100 year-old bed frame and damn that MFer was really playing the long game
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Not to brag, but I just went into another room and actually remembered why I went in there…
It was the bathroom…but still…
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
The Water Board sent me a notice saying that my bill was a year old,
I obviously apologised for forgetting, and sent them a birthday card.