I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
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jane austen understood that nothing is sexier than standing seven feet away from someone, making brief eye contact, and then going home
I’m “Since when did it become unacceptable for your socks to show” years old.
I see it’s garbage day on twitter again.
Hot singles are in your area!
Hot singles are on your block!
Hot singles are in your house!
Hot singles are here to kill you!
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
I’m reexamining my life after buying 63 pounds of unsalted butter because it seems a little weird even by my standards
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I bring giant stuffed animals into carnivals so when I walk around people will think that I am good at something.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
*tree falls in forest, quickly stands up and looks around to see if anybody heard it, brushes self off*
Hey Doorknob, if I wanted something in my life that was hairy, condescending and using me for food, I would get a cat.
Life hack: If I ever end my advice with “I promise”, do the opposite. I’m bored and want to see if you’re going to do the stupid shit I suggested.
I visited a gun shop in Indiana once and had to use the bathroom; inside was a portrait of a naked man with a thick wooden board covering where his private part would be. Curiosity got the best of me and I tried to lift the board. It let off an air horn throughout the whole store
When you ask a 3 y/o “why are you holding the butter wrapper?” best find the answer quickly
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
I’ve disinfected my dungeon, who’s up for some fun?
No weirdos.
If I was president I would put Netflix, Hulu, Prime, HBO, and every other streaming service in a room together and make them collectively decide how loud each volume number is
“There’s no butter left”
“I don’t understand”
“I turned it into ghee”
“OK, thanks for clarifying”
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
“College looks so fun I bet your camera roll is insane”
My camera roll:
GENIE 1: he wanted money so i made him a bank robber, ha
GENIE 2: i just…gave mine money
GENIE 1: LMAO YOU GUYS, JERRY JUST GAVE IT TO HIM
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.