Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
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*In the back of an ambulance
Me: Change the radio station
Paramedic: Please don’t speak. You need to save your energy
Me: Im not dying to a Nickelback song
Me: hello, police? I think I’m living with a murderer! Last night, she came home with a body… Crap! She just came in.
Cat: *meow*
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford
I hate it when I’m naked and all lathered up with soap and then run out of quarters at the car wash.
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
The worst thing about wearing a turtleneck is not being able to get up off of your back if you fall over.
fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
“When I tell you that it’s time to get out of the pool, it means that it’s time to get out of the pool.”
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
Due to personal reasons, I’ll only act surprised by the same information 7 times tops
Good cop “If you confess maybe we can cut you some sort of deal…”
Crab cop *walks sideways off the table*
Thinking about getting real into bonsai trees. It seems like an expensive hobby that I’ll lose interest in almost immediately, which is right in my wheelhouse
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
“Fed-Ex is coming to kill us all!” ~my dog
A jellyfish can go its entire lifetime without ever meeting a peanutbutterfish
Came home to find the couch had moved a few inches, and neither the dog nor the cat will look me in the eye now.
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
Her: I like a man with an air of mystery.
Me: [trying to impress her] I’m under investigation for murder.
describing stardew valley
You’re the unreachable booger of people.
*Signs into Facebook
“If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve me at my best” is posted everywhere
*Agrees
*Deletes Facebook
*at interview*
Him: What would you say are your strengths?
Me: Words
Him: Can you say more?
Me: More
Him:
Me: I’m also good at directions
Graduating from law school and immediately googling what can you do with a law degree
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
Pizza Hut is going gluten free so while you are dying from a heart attack you can atleast not have gas problems
CW: Who’s the more the foolish: the fool, or the-
Me: Ted, I don’t have time for this, so I’m going to slap you hard then take myself to HR.