The existence of an earthworm and a heartworm implies there must be a fire, wind, and waterworm
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Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
“What do you get if you cross a monkey and a lion?”
I glance nervously over to the basement door, afraid she’s seen something she shouldn’t.
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
[1hr before date]
Me: (to waiter) So when I order the extra spicy chicken you say ‘brave choice sir’ and then bring the Lemon Herb chicken
Her: I love you so much
Me: Hey, *puts my hand on her shoulder* we all make mistakes sometimes.
4yo: THAT WAS ENOUGH SCHOOL
Me: That was… your first day.
4yo: YEP.
Me: You have school again tomorrow, kiddo.
4yo: NAH, I THINK I’M GOOD.
I’ve worked at my job for 7 years & my boss still hasn’t noticed that I only give Magic 8-Ball responses to all of his questions.
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
My theory is, “things can’t be too bad if I can still laugh about it”
This has led to me making jokes at WILDLY inappropriate times
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
I told everyone on Facebook what was “on my mind” and now I’m in jail.
Send cake.
Teen: Your brows are on fleek!
Me: (confused) Yeah well your FACE is on fleek.
Teen: Thanks!
Me: God damn it.
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
when someone tells me love is in the air 😷
It’s the same old story. Boy meets girl. Girl doesn’t exist.
Cleaning a house with children in it is like shoveling snow on the North Pole.
I’m going to go to the gym and then to eat a Doritos Loco Taco, because I like to keep my body guessing whether or not I hate it.
[first day in hell]
hostess: welcome to hell. please take a seat
waiter: *pouring wine* your steak will be out shortly, sir
me: wow this isn’t so bad
group of waiters approaching in distance: happpppy bir-
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
I kept getting my shin badly grazed by the pedal of my bike when I was was a kid, that was one vicious cycle.
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
The only thing we need to bring back is duels.