With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
You Might Also Like
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done
Everyone secretly believes they could get out of quicksand.
My mom has been having trouble with her joints – it’s hard to roll them with the arthritis
Thinking about how dinosaurs ruled the world for nearly 180 million years and then out of nowhere some giant space rock was like okay it’s mammal time
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
. No Shoes
No Shirt
No Problem
Welcome To Walmart.
“No, YOU’VE had too much to drink!”
~Me, to this bar stool
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
it was the best of times (adding to cart) it was the worst of times (seeing the total plus shipping)
I can’t believe I have appendicitis in the middle of a global pandemic. this is legit funny like can my body read the room one time???
An FBI profiler once told me there are very few psychopaths out there.
I booped his nose and said, “I beg to differ.”
My husband came with me to the gynecologist. As a new patient, I had to fill out a form asking if I’d ever had an IUD. When I checked the ‘yes’ box, he said: “You drove drunk!?!”
jewelry making tip: a simple can of gold spraypaint can turn a chicken nugget into a gold nugget
me: cheeseburgers are better than sex
her: maybe you’re doing it wrong
me: I stick my meat between two buns and slather it in sauce, add cheese, pickles and bacon
her: I meant sex
me: me too
My husband gets into the holiday spirit by saying JESUS CHRIST over and over while putting up the Christmas tree.
Stretching? you mean exercise BEFORE I exercise?
I get very stressed out when characters in movies are told a rapid-fire list of things to do and don’t write it down.
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
Yesterday my 3 year old had a meltdown & threw her water bottle at our cat. After she calmed down I said, “I don’t think it was very kind to throw your bottle at the cat. Maybe you should apologize.” So she said sorry to the water bottle
I scream “You haven’t seen the last of me!” & follow with maniacal laughter before slowly backing away.
The pharmacist smiles kindly.
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”
-my dog, when I wax
My wife walked in on me sobbing uncontrollably while listening to an old song.
“Meat Loaf?” she asked.
“Yes,” I replied, between the tears. “Can we have baked potatoes too?”
McKay Coppins:
My wife and I got back from voting and found our 5yo in tears that she didn’t get to come. So I took her to the polling place and gave her a little patriotic talk about America and democracy.
On the way back she told me she thought mom had said we went “boating.”
I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.