just had a dinosaur that we didn’t make show up at our front gate
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I’ve purchased a longer telephone cord so that I can remain on Neighborhood Watch and still talk to Fran.
What do you call clean German cabbage?
Shower-kraut.
#CabbageDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Breaking news:
As a rule, if the number of genders allowed to drive in your country is less than two, you live in an awful country.
“It looks like you’re in the middle of a workout.”
– My passive-aggressive Apple Watch as I walk across a parking lot to my car
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
Kids don’t like to go to bed, and that’s how you know that they’re stupid.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Telling her she looks prettier than a chicken leg in an air fryer is a compliment that will not be taken as it was intended.
In time, the dust settled, and the dust took a job it hated and married someone it could barely tolerate
I like the idea of almond milk, but then I can’t get the image out of my head of someone milking a nut.
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
I thought this was funny lol
You should be tunashamed of yourself!
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
i’m at the potluck telling everyone i saw a house centipede crawl into cheryl’s artichoke dip bc i overheard her call my pumpkin pie puff pastry pockets ‘mid’
Kid: Are you the babysitter?
Sting: Yes. Every breath you take. Every step you take. I’ll be watching you. It’ll be fun!
Kid: *horrified*
“I’m disguising all my tweets as Marilyn Monroe quotes from now on.”
-Marilyn Monroe
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This pic on IG-
911: Go on.
Me: She said no filter, but-
911: She used one?
Me: YES.
911: Try to stay calm.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
“I think I’m falling for you.”
-replacement skydivers
Imagine being in a band with Freddie Mercury and thinking “maybe I’ll sing this next one”
ever since i was young i knew i wanted to be on the computer
You know you’re in a good relationship when she turns off all the lights so you can sit together by the window and listen to the neighbors fight.
Look, all I know is none of this shit was going on when Mtv still played music videos.