[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
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Tellingly, right before she died, my grandma’s final purchase at Bed, Bath & Beyond was “Curtains.”
CHIPOTLE MANAGER: we can’t figure out why these e.coli outbreaks keep happening
ME: [bathing in a tub of salsa in the back] ya very weird
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.
[me getting caught in a lie at a party] I didnt say he owned one I said he worked there
[guy putting his drink down] no no you said your uncle owned a KFC
Then I said, “hi hungry, I’m dad!:
Other dads:
people in the Bronze Age actually lived far more luxurious lives than our own. Archaeological evidence indicates that they had vases with octopuses on them. do you have that? didnt think so
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
Interviewer: what interests you about this job?
Me: the pay
Interviewer: can you be more specific?
Me: cash
Whoever named them “sugar cookies” could’ve tried a little harder.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
There is no situation where banana bread isn’t an appropriate gift. You got a promotion? Banana bread. Your dad is dead? Banana bread. You had a bad breakup? Banana bread. Aliens steal your body for experiments? BANANA BREAD.
[One hour past bedtime]
[3 year-old yelling from his bed]: PAPA!
Me: YES?
3: [Points to chair] Sit with me.
Me: I would LOVE to but the monster, that eats kids who don’t sleep, hates that chair being warm.
3:
Me [Finger guns] Goodnight kiddo.
Locked in the target…STRIKE! 👀😏😂🐕
Being an adult is cool because sometimes your back hurts and other times a different part of your back hurts
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
me [kidnapped]: do you know how horses are compensated for their work
captor: i don’t care
me: they get paid under the stable
captor: let her go we don’t deserve this kind of trauma
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
Genie: I shall grant you three wis-
Me: I wish my ex would fall back in love with me
Genie: here’s the thing Jeff, Kate’s with me now…
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
I can’t do this. I think I’m dying. Why does your face look like a donut?
~ me 30 minutes into dieting
Sombrero is better than nobrero.
Throwing burgers around furniture because I have a hunch that termites only eat wood because they have not tried anything tastier.
What doesn’t kill you is coming back later with spiders.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
The first person who started winking at others was probably the creepiest human ever.
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
6 months ago I made a commitment to myself to get healthy and today I’m still fat because I didn’t do any of it.
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me