3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
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Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
This guy at work always looks down my blouse. So im going to put a piece of popcorn in there to see if he points it out.
I’m at the age where I look good “for my age”
Me: *wearing white shirt*
Every food in the universe: GET HIM!
“Grammies” is a shortening of “gramophones.” Now that most people listen to music on their smartphones, the awards should probably be called (and I love this) “Phonies.”
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Listen employers if I could see where I’d be in five years I’d be joining the X-Men not applying for your shitty job.
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
As far as I’m concerned the person who made kids toothpaste sparkly neon blue can go straight to hell. Twice a day I have to clean Smurf vomit from my sink. #smurfvomit #gotohell
I’m just saying, no dog has ever ghosted me
When I tell a joke that doesn’t land, I follow up with a worse one to make my audience realize how good they had it with the first joke.
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
date: i like the strong silent type
me: [quietly trying to lift the table over my head]
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
[first day being homeless]
What thread count are these newspapers?
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
This is what it sounds like when cats cry
– The inventor of bagpipes
my ear. is inside out. and the human. is not home to fix it. i have put the household. on alert level. dark grey.
Friend: how do u maintain your boyish glow
Me: [trying to keep down a mouthful of lightning bugs] I wish I could tell u
My 3 yr old is so encouraging. I changed my shirt; she says”Daddy, you did it!” If she finds out I use the potty by myself, she’ll flip out.
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
Things Brits say when they’re absolutely livid:
“What do you think you’re doing?”
“What’s going on in here?”
“With all due respect”
“I beg your pardon”
“Can I help you?”
“Now look”
“I’ll write a letter”
“I’ve had just about enough of this”
“Is there anybody else I can speak to?”
she’s all “don’t sleep in the nude- what if there’s a fire and the fire men come and see you naked”
uh you pretty much described my fantasy
The kid hasn’t pooped in 3 days.
Do I just squeeze him from the other end like a tube of toothpaste?
Police officer: When’s your birthday?
Me: (Drunk) um ok thats easy… ten dash four
PO: What year?
Me: Ugh duh every year
Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!