Doctor: how many times a week do you exercise
Me: does taking the stairs instead of the elevator count?
Doctor: sure
Me: okay, then *counting on fingers* never
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Receives a compliment
Me: no sorry we don’t do that here
My husband ruins every game show by figuring out how much tax the winner will have to pay.
*sliding dj $4.65 in nickels* do you have the jurassic park theme?
I’m writing my PhD thesis in theoretical physics and every time I have to decide between using > and < I think to myself “the crocodile wants to eat the bigger number”
My husband’s parenting style is to menacingly say “Yeah!” after everything I say when I reprimand the kids.
Tell me you get it…🤣
Stealthily I approach the deer, removing an arrow from my quiver
Deer: I can see you AND you’re literally saying that out loud
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
Age 8: Flinging myself off the swings at high speed onto a concrete floor, bouncing up instantly and laughing before bounding away like a gazelle.
Age 48: Raising my eyebrows in a slightly more robust way than usual and fracturing my skull.
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
GARDEN STORE MANAGER:
why did you just give that customer a high fiveME: he bought some dirt
GARDEN STORE MANAGER: um ok
ME: and I told him congrats on soiling himself
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
Coworker: a chocolate oatmeal cookie isn’t a healthy breakfast.
Me: *smashes cookie*
There it’s granola, now stfu..
Nothing like the lingering dread of a project that goes far too easily.
While in restaurants as a kid, my parents would pay by credit card in a machine that looked like it could take your finger off
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
People with little chains that go from a nose piercing to an earring probably just got sick of losing their ears.
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
My house looks amazing from the outside…as for the inside, its nothing that a decent fire wouldn’t fix
nurse:how do u rate ur pain
me: zero stars
nurse: what
me: would not recommend
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
My wife keeps buying me chunkier and chunkier wheels for my bike, and I’m getting thicken tyred of it.
Well, don’t ever let your pc feel that you’re in a hurry cos they’re gonna slow down more 😩
Man on train saying he’s in back-to-back meetings all day, I suggested trying face-to-face meetings. He left without thanking me.
F: Why do we even have toenails anyway? It’s not like we can pick our nose with them.
Me: speak for yourself
You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Airbnb should have an option if you just want to use someone’s bathroom for a few minutes