My 6yo’s homework today is learning how to count backwards.
Yep that teacher knows about DUIs alright!
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Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
*stands in front yard, hands on hips, giving each autumn leaf that falls on my lawn a stern, disapproving look*
[Yelp review for Mario Bros Plumbing]
Ate my mushrooms, killed ALL my turtles, stole my coin collection. 1 star.
-Bowser K.
My mom once called me at 3am to tell me some long lost relative died and hung up on me when I asked if they’d still be dead at 8am.
My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
[supermarket]
bagger: would you like some help out to your car?
me: [lies down] oh that would be delightful
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
*entire building at my work loses power*
*I run all the way to Linda’s office*
Remember when you said light up shoes were a dumb idea?
Pickled cat.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
I drink because I care. About me. And drinks.
ME: did it hurt
GIRL AT BAR: did wat hurt
ME: when ur hopes of having a nice uninterupted night out got crushed bc i started talking to u
Science: caffeine can cause sleep issues.
Me who drinks a ton of coffee: if only there was something I could do to improve my sleep.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Did you dream of me, baby?
-Are you a swimming pool full of Lucky Charms & milk?
No, silly.
-Then no.
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
Kids be like don’t worry I aimed for the rug so I wouldn’t get your bowl dirty
*Coats body in coffee grains
*Waits for osmosis to occur
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
[at seance]
Me: We call the spirit of my dead husband.
Ghost Husband: I’m here.
Me: Move the planchette to send a message to me on this ouija board.
Ghost Husband: Ok wait. That’s just a piece of paper that says “I’m sorry” and “you were right”
Life lesson: do not tile your kitchen floor the same colour as a Cheerio
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
When John Wick misses his wife and dog, Keanu Grieves
The Matrix Reloaded was a good movie, Keanu Believes.
If he stole, he’d be Keanu Thieves.
When he’s sick, Keanu Heaves.
He is Keanu Reeves.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
Invited a homeless guy to Thanksgiving dinner this morning, so when he shows up at your place, let him in.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
His arrival was foretold in the ancient murals.