Can’t believe my dog just ran into Petco and left me in the car with the windows rolled up
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February 27th, 2020.
I’m 44 years old, standing on the roof, in 40mph winds, of the largest supplier of calamari in the United States…fighting off psychotic seagulls with a broom.
Never give up on your dreams, kids.
*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*
The Pasta:
I want to study goat psychology and write a book called, “Honey, I shrunk the kids.”
ME: A man stole my phone and rode away on a horse
COP: Ok [opens notebook] can you give a description?
ME: It’s like a big, fast dog
Coffee so strong, it still works even though you’ve disabled java.
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
Who the hell is responsible for the abbreviation of “pounds?”
If you say the word gaslighting 3 times in a mirror it summons Shaggy singing It Wasn’t Me
Sometimes I accidentally make eye contact with someone and it’s like “well I better just go with it” and I begin sprinting at them
I’m getting totally fed up with people moaning about the price of things. £4.50 for coffee, £6 for a piece of cake, £9 an hour parking – always whining.
Honestly, any more complaints and I’m going to stop inviting friends round to my place.
There is a famous person next to me at this coffee shop. You can tell he’s waiting for me to say something. Not gonna happen. Not gonna give him the time of day. Just going to sit here and continue making machine gun noises with my mouth
Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black
Someone wished me happy birthday on a ‘random, not my birthday day’ so I responded with ‘same to you’.
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
11yo: What are you doing?
me: shhh. Mommy’s napping.
11yo: On the treadmill?
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
I get my Kung Fu skills from taking off a sweaty sports bra after a workout.
When I was a boy we had to invent snow before we could walk 15 miles through it to get to school.
4 put one of his toys in the gap behind the fridge and when I asked why he said it was noisy & annoying and long story short all 3 of my kids are now in the gap behind the fridge
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
shit just got real
OH YEAHHHH WHO’S THE FAILURE NOW, PARENTS?!
“@funTweeters: @River_Niles Your tweet was published in “
What’s the game you play that when you lose you never regret it?
Russian roulette.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
when Jason swung that sleeping bag with a girl in it against a tree in Friday the 13th, I bet for a brief moment the girl was like “wheeee!”
I taught my 7yo chess and she’s created a lengthy backstory about how this once-peaceful community came to odds and a lengthy battle ensued. I am now of the mind that all chess should have a plot.
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.