I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
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Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
Writers of crime show blurbs are lazy. “She was missing and then her case took a shocking turn.”
It’s not shocking. I’m watching a show with murder in the title. I’d be shocked if she grew a third arm and joined the circus, but I’m fairly confident I know what’s up.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
I think I’ll take the swab. Thanks though.
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
Me:*looks up from phone*
Okay, it was Mr. Plum in the ballroom with the wrench.Family:
M:
Mom: We stopped playing that game 5 hours ago.
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Ruin a Tolstoy novel by changing 587287 words
Saw an old girlfriend at the grocery store today so I put one of those big bags of almonds in my cart to make her think I was rich.
I’d love to have a sex change. Preferably from ‘none’ to ‘absolutely shitloads’.
How is it that a parking spot gets paid more per hour than I do
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
I’d like to wish a very happy 5th birthday to the jar of salsa in my fridge
Hey, I lost my teddy bear. Would you sleep with me?
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Rocket scientist: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Brad Pitt: I don’t impress Shania Twain
Guy who has a car: I’m gonna try my luck
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Read an article that said Google is making us dumber. whatever, I’ve always used Google and I’m super [googles synonym for smart] able.
A 23-yr-old woman in India fought off an adult tiger with a stick
My cat stole my tuna sandwich right out of my hand
Wife: There’s a spider in the kids’ bedroom
Me: I’ll take care of it
*raises spider like one of my own*
*has a little cry when it graduates*
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
It infuriates me that computer Scrabble doesn’t get mad when I win even though I’m livid when it wins.
Why did the skeleton go to the barbecue?
To get another rib.
At the beginning of a long plane ride, I like to ask my husband why he loves me. His frantic look for an escape hatch entertains me.
Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures