I created a new solvent that will dissolve ANYTHING in the world!
(Sigh)
I just don’t know what to keep it in….
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Having a daughter in middle school makes you realize every song ever written is highly inappropriate.
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
When a girl tells u about her favorite animal – “I’d eat one” is not the right response.
Zombies never bite hipsters.
They taste fine.
We just don’t want to spend eternity hearing them say they became undead before it was cool.
NURSE: do you have any allergies
ME: burnt bread
NURSE: you’re allergic to burnt bread?
ME: yes I’m black toast intolerant
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
taking a hotdog out of the microwave and checking it with a meat thermometer then frowning and putting it back in
Me: My flight was canceled so I won’t be home until tomorrow.
Her: but you said you were just going out for milk.
Me: so I’m delusional?
Doctor: yes.
Me: and you’re a delusion?
Doctor: yes.
Me: I want a second opinion.
Pink Dragon: you’re delusional.
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
“Dad can we get a puppy?”
“No but we can get a submarine if you like?”
[2 hours later 3000m beneath the pacific]
“dad I should be at school”
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
“Your optimism for the future makes me think you’re not paying attention.”
My mum: It’s a baby shower. Just write “congratulations”.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
REPORTER: How do you feel after serving 6 months under house arrest?
ME: I did not realize that had started.
The nicest thing you can do for someone with a new baby is agree the baby looks exactly like whoever they say it looks like even though all babies look basically the same to outside observers. Yes yes he looks remarkably like your uncle George, uncanny, really.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Punctuality is important. It’s the difference between helping your uncle jack off a horse and arriving late to find he’s already done it.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*
[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?
Me: *backs out of driveway*
I bought a blender to make some healthy smoothies. Long story short I make the best margaritas now.
why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
Want to know what I want with you? It starts with S, has an E in it and I want lots of it
Space.