Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
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“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
Husband: *choking on a Dorito*
Me: Wait. When did we get Doritos?
4 woke me at 12.30am and 3am then yelled at me because I wouldn’t take part in her frog jumping contest at 6.23am, do I just send my resignation to hr or
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Pilot intercom: We are currently 30,000 feet in the air.
Me to my wife: No way there are 15,000 people on this plane.
Wife to flight attendant: Are there any other seats available?
Coworker: did you have a good weekend?
Me: obviously not since I came back to work.
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
me: *summoning the hotdog demon by nailing a shitload of hotdogs to the wall in the shape of a pentagram*
hotdog demon: *sigh* not you again
Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
Called Comcast to see about dropping my service and long story short, If anyone wants to watch Showtime, call me on one of my 36 landlines.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
[puts puppy in microwave]
[googles instructions for making hotdogs]
[quickly releases puppy from microwave]
Whenever I sing, my mom goes outside. Not to get away from me, but to prove to my neighbors that she’s not beating me.
*at the end of a 3 day weekend*
Me: I will miss the kids when they go back to school tomorrow, I wish we had more time
The universe: here is a snow delay
Me: no, not like that
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Me: if i had a time machine, i’d go back and kill–
Guy: Baby Hitler, we know
Me: …everyone who has ever interrupted me
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
Only a fool would use the toothbrush the dentist gives you. You think the dentist would freely hand you the tools that would keep them away?
Me as a lawyer: your honor, stfu cause you wasn’t even there
I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio‘s girlfriend is a wonderful person but I saw a headline that said she “has a message for her haters” and all I could think was “is it ‘I really need my .5 lead mechanical pencil back before Bio’”
Why are top brands getting more attention while your unique, innovative ideas stay underrated? Here is some #ThursdayAdwisdom. The truth is that you may be missing out on one of the most fundamental rules of selling – grabbing consumer’s interest. #digitalmarketing
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
BRB- gotta make a man fall in love with me so I can ask him, “would you still love me if I was a lamp?”
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
[Cops have a warrant for my arrest]
Cops: you’re coming with us!
*Plays the Benny Hill theme on my phone & runs away*
Foot chase ensues.
what do tooth fairies do with the teeth they collect? what do they know that we don’t? are we getting ripped off
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*