Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
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Medication for depression “may cause thoughts of suicide”. If this were so for all meds then:
Diet Pills..may cause ravenous hunger
GUY WHO INVENTED JACK-O-LANTERNS: I bet this gourd would be cooler if it looked like it wanted to murder me.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
I plan on being Batman for Halloween.
And now that I’ve told you all this, I realize I’m actually one shitty Batman.
Me: Your hair smells so good. Which shampoo is that?
My Boss: This is inappropriate
Me: Your skin is so…
My Boss:*Turns off shower* OUT!
My mind thinks I’m 6, and my heart thinks I’m 22, but my body knows we’ve died and reached hell.
computer: choose a password
me: TheScarletLetter
computer: password cannot contain symbols
Brain cancer from cell phones is no longer considered a risk because who holds their phone up to their head anymore?
DRIVER: *turns radio off* Where to?
UNDECIDED VOTER: Don’t rush me I need to hear all the places first. Tell me every place there is please.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Me: Door knobs are for losers. Just kick it in.
Anger Management Coach: *takes off glasses and starts silently crying*
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
Hostess:There’s a 45 min wait
Me:Do you know who I am? I have THOUSANDS of followers!
H:Let me ask my manager
*2 min later
H:It’ll be 43 min
✨ check 🧵 for the bonus panels! ✨
Again Mr Jovi,
Please stop mailing us bible verses. You cannot continue living on a prayer. We require an actual mortgage payment.
Pretty disappointed that the phrase “if looks could kill” is figurative
I’m an asshole, but not “jogs in place at intersections, waiting for the light to change,” asshole.
It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas (I have dandruff)
Aquarius: This week you’re feeling crafty. How many household items can you turn into a shank?
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
When asked by the creepy guy at the bar “Why aren’t you smiling?” my go-to answer is always “My yeast infection really is bubbling up.”
I’m only here while I wait for that Nigerian prince to follow through on his end of the bargain.
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
If I was invited to a gender reveal party I’d bring deviled eggs and sammiches for the fire fighters.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
Being a grandpa must be tough, some baby mispronounces a word and suddenly your name is “Peepo” for the last 30 years of your life
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….