not to be a complainer but if dogs can have treats to clean their teeth why can’t we
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Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
I’m thinking about starting a car service for dogs called the Scooby D’uber
i am going as a ‘credit card’ to this halloween party, cause i plan on being used irresponsibly.
DATE: I need a shot. Any recommendations?
BARTENDER: *looks me up & down* Penicillin.
Bad news: I squirted ketchup all the way up my sleeve in a public place.
Good news: You can’t really see it because my sleeve is red.
Bad news again: I smell strongly of ketchup.
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Don’t embarrass a guy by telling him his fly is open in public.
Just be a man, walk over there, and slowly zip it up for him.
me: [pushing cartful of candy to register]
clerk: wow you’re really prepared for halloween huh.
me: what’s halloween.
*glamorously folds laundry
*seductively wipes off countertops
*slowly bends over to pick up toys
*sexily trips over the cat…
My favorite question is “are you a real person?” and the answer is no. I’m a sewer rat who discovered an old iphone and is now using it for nefarious purposes. Hope that settles that.
The deadliest weapon is the mind. Unless you got a sword or something. Or a gun. If you have a gun, that’s definitely the best choice.
Table for six please?
“Is your party coming soon or?”
[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
I’m rearranging the neighbors’ Halloween decorations a little each night until they’re circling their front doors. Scaring is caring.
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
(standing in lava taking 20 damage a second) augh eurgh ugh augh augh ugh eurgh ohhg
Yesterday I drove past a sperm bank that had gone out of business.
I guess that means no one came.
Date: you don’t look anything like your profile photo
Me: *now crying*
Date: there you are
Couples therapist: what scares you the most?
Wife: that we slowly lose respect for each other
Me: when the washing machine goes really fast
I told my son that the leader of the mosquitos was the bossquito and then my wife called the cops.
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
This is one of the best videos to ever exist.
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
Marriage may be hard but at least you don’t have to wear heels to the pumpkin patch anymore.
you: hey that looks like updog
me: (wrongly assuming that people will like me more if i agree with them than if i ask them questions when im confused about something) wow it really does