Goodnight everyone except the guy who invented that thing that shows that you are typing something
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Type out “My best quality is” and then let predictive text finish it! I’ll start
“My best quality is I am a worthy vessel for the demon lord Paimon who will bring about a new age of darkness. All will suffer his wrath and despair” haha so random
Me: Try to make a sandwich while doing a handstand.
Genie: That’s not really a wish, you know.
Me: I said handstandwich!
*in a fight with my dr boyfriend*
HIM: I’m sorry about last night.
ME: *takes a bite of an apple*
Better names for porcupines:
Needle Beaver
Battlepig
Hurty Squirrel
Flail Monster
Cactus Rat
Capy-scare-uh
Death otter
Revenge Possum
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
My overly sensitive coworker, Clint started crying when I called him Clintoris.
My teen changed my name in her phone to “spam risk” and she thought it was hilarious right up until she got kicked off the family plan.
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?
“This is going to hurt me more than it hurts you” he said, without even realizing that he was holding the tazer backwards.
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
Spider-Man, but set in rural Norfolk so he just has to walk everywhere.
I’m sorry I don’t speak any English
-me when someone starts talking to me
Nancy Drew and the mystery of is this water or pee
– book #1 of parent series
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
Every time someone tells you they are a vegan an angel eats a dog.
Until my sneezes have time to figure out their beliefs, please stop blessing them.
[looking disappointed at the playboy mansion]
i was told there’d be bunnies
if someone decides to use the treadmill right next to you, quietly whisper “oh god, the machine has already chosen its next victim”
My dog pisses on every election sign regardless of political party so I have no idea who he is voting for.
Runner: What’s your fastest race?
Me: Taking the trash out at night
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
every time i look the ‘u’ in matthew mcconaughey is in a different place
November should have one more day. just because to me November 31st sounds real. and also I don’t want to pay rent tomorrow
Slim pickings in the Valentines card aisle this morning. Wish me luck as I transform “Uncle” to look like “Wife.”
Your secret is safeish with me
Dad: It’s atomic number is 26. Oh, and it’s chemical symbol is FE
Son: Wow! How do you know so much about iron?
Dad: Well it’s in my blood
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.