God: I call it a Caterpillar
Angel: What is it?
God: A worm with feet
Angel: You’re really out of ideas huh?
God: Then it grows wings
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Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Me “Waiter, why is there a live penguin in my soup?”
Waiter “we were worried the other birds would drown.”
*Salem 1692*
Witch: I’m not a witch!
Judge: Look, if we’re being honest, you’re on trial for being a woman. Don’t make this weird
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
One surefire way to get people to stop self-deprecating is to agree with them.
Me: please bbc just tell me who the new Doctor is I won’t ask for anything else ever please
BBC: *reveals new Doctor*
Me: Nice!!
…
…Me: please bbc just tell me who the new companion is I won’t ask for anything else ever plea-
You never know how strong you are…until your power steering goes out.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
i have a lot to offer! most of it’s bad but it’s still a lot
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
*Bricks getting laid*
Brick Layer: “Oh yeah! You like that shit don’t you!”
Tried to talk my kid through using the microwave while I was in a meeting, so I get it nasa ground control
My 5 year old thinks that there’s a monster under his bed so I assured him that it won’t get him as long as he stays in bed until 8AM.
britain’s three elite institutions
10 puts the paper toilet roll on in the “under” position.
long story short he’s by the road with a for sale sign on.
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
Who’s soul do I have to sell in order for my eyeliner to come out even on both eyes?
Everyone on FB is posting the status- I voted. I guess it’s truthful Tuesday so I posted- I once killed a hobo & hid his body in a barrel.
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
I hate when fire trucks drive real slow with the siren on. There’s one behind me right now. So annoying.
At what age do kids start sleeping in later than “why do you hate me” o’clock?
genie: u can’t have unlimited wishes
me: i wish for unlimited genies
genie: son of a
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
911: What’s you’re emergency?
ME: You mean “your”?
911: OK. So..?
ME: Someone’s murdering me
911: You mean “murdered”
ME:..
911: [dial tone]
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
[taking a walk with mom]
Me: *steps on a crack and hears a woman scream*
Mom: I guess now is the time to tell you that you’re adopted.
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
[Who Wants to be a Millionaire]
Me: I’m stumped. Can I phone a friend?
Host: What’s your friend’s name?
Me: Wikipedia.