if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
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The ‘theme’ of every theme park is the need for more effective birth control.
before coffee: don’t talk to me
after coffee: please don’t talk to me
Working on my new impression, “drummer having a blast.” Keep an eye out for “guitarist who’s really feelin’ it.”
Genie: So let me get this straight, your first wish was for your cat to talk?
Me: yes.
Genie: and then your second wish was he couldn’t talk anymore?
Me: He was mean to me.
Genie: And now your third wish is he can talk again?
Me: I just thought of a great come back!
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
If u love someone and they don’t love u back the first thing you need to do is make them a scrapbook with you both in little wedding outfits
My ex just sneezed and I accidentally said “bless you”.
Now she is staring at the bushes confused and wondering who said that.
My Husband objected to a question I asked in court and we are on the same side if you wanted to know how fun it is to work with your spouse.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
me as a kid: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
me now as an adult: that microwave in spy kids where you can make instant mcdonalds is my dream come true
[Bank robbery]
*Other robbers jump into getaway van* “DRIVE! DRIVE! DRIVE!”
“Okie dokie.” * Starts to adjust mirrors*
Introverts are just extroverts who have realized that most people suck.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Spider just landed on my shoulder. I didn’t want to kill it so I just fainted instead.
I thought that I heard you laughing.
I thought that I heard you sing.
I think I thought I saw you try to parallel park for twenty minutes.
the legend of bigfoot and the bodacious badonkadonk
I’m gaining weight because it’s hard to carry around this much “awesome” in a standard-sized body.
I guess if Porky Pig wants to flash someone, he just takes off his bowtie?
In case you wanted to mess with me, just know I went 10 for 10 at trivia last night on the round about famous female killers.
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
the ‘grandma exploit’ is undoubtedly my favorite chatbot jailbreak to date. source here:
Ensure longevity of life and prevent starvation by eating insects.
Thick flies save lives.
Neighbor: Little early for Halloween isn’t it?
Me: *removing a skeleton from my trunk* What’s a “Halloween?”
oh shit. came home & there is a giant cat in the bed
Once I was napping & 5yo daughter
dropped her Barbie Car on my face,
she explained it tho, she said
“sorry dad, I thought you were asleep”.
If you lean on the car horn for more than 2 seconds, the airbag should deploy and shatter your hand against your own forehead.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing