I never thought I’d meet the man of my dreams while I was out running errands in sweat pants with no make-up on. And I was right
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If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting out of a bean bag chair.
heard you like bad girls so I squeezed lemon juice on my fish even though the waiter grabbed me & was like “no, there’s already lemon on it”
Thanksgiving fact: Giblets are just Grandma speak for the gross stuff.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
me: I’d like to buy that lady at the end of the bar a drink
judge: no
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
ME: my ideal first date? well to me it dosent matter wat we do as long as we share a conection
JOB INTERVIEWER: i meant how soon can u start
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
Like this tweet for a free small sundae at your local participating McDonald’s.
McDonald’s is participating by making sure that the ice cream machine is in pieces when you get there.
Hey kids! Make your voice heard this election day by hiding your parents identification! (Not applicable in some states)
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
How do chocolate labs not die of themselves?
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
I bet when Kanye was little he played tag by himself, then argued with himself on whether he was tagged or not.
Me: that’s BS
6: boring stuff?
Me, knowing I’ll probably regret it, but it will be funny: …yes
If you think my tweets are horrid, wait until you see the live stream of my colonoscopy
The healthy food in my fridge should be grateful really. It survives much longer than everything else.
Today іs a Cіvіc Holіday іn Canada. Аpparently up there they lіke to commemorate the іnventіon of the Honda Cіvіc.
I just spilled my last beer while reaching over to hit “ignore caller” on my phone. Why do bad things happen to good people?
[trying to eat a pretzel]
the knot wizard hath defeated me again
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
A financial advisor from my bank called to various savings options as if she doesn’t have access to my account information.