{Olive Garden}
Husband:”Everyone is staring at us.”Me:(In a luchador mask and pink feather boa)”It’s probably because you said no cheese.”
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I have this odd feeling that I’m going to be that crazy old lady that yells at everyone to get off the lawn.
From my apartment balcony.
necessity is the mother of invention
spent the day in the woods trying to distract the deer hunters. shocked at the things I’d do just to save a few bucks
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Little Kid: wanna hear a joke?
Me: life is meaningless without death
Little Kid: why did the chicken cro- wait what?
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
Gluten free pizza is like a roller coaster that just goes straight.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
#StillHurts
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
I wish I had the confidence in humanity that Guinness had when they bought a 9,000 year lease.
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
It’s like grandpa always used to say, “even though granny washed them, I could always tell which underwear I wore on Taco Tuesday.”
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
Haters gonna hate.
Procrastinaters gonna … get back to you on that tomorrow…
poet: knick knack.. paddy whack..
me: this guy is awful
my dog: i know right
poet: ..give the dog a bone
my dog: actually lets hear him out
Husband: [turns car on, explicit 90s hip-hop blares] Wow, this is what you listen to with the kids?
Me: No, I put it on after I drop them off [changes stations]
6YO: Hey! Go back that’s my favorite!
My sign? I’m a Zebra, no grey areas for me.
Narrator: Ursula was indeed a Libra. She often confused astrology with zoology.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Hooking up with your ex is a great way to reassure yourself that dying alone wouldn’t be the worst thing in the world.
What’s there to get? the floor is hard. And cold. And too smooth. That’s why I vomit on the carpet.
–my dog
I thought it would be so cool to have twins before I actually had kids
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this