Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.
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Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
“I’d like to raise a toast.”
*Levitates bread*
My daughter just announced she’s SICK of stupid-ass people. I said “Oh darlin, you’re gonna feel ill for a long time.. they’re everywhere.”
being in a club at my age feels more like i’m being set-up for an episode of “To Catch a Predator”
He died doing what he loved: being alive
What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
[movie casting]
ME: I’m here for the stuntman job
“Do you have any experience?”
ME: No, but I took a…
“Please don’t”
ME: …crash course
70 percent of marriage after having kids is trying to keep the spark alive, even though that spark might want to sign a DNR.
Arachnophobia is stupid I mean why are we all terrified of a bug that knits all day?
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
I don’t know what Dorothy’s problem was, tornadoes are great means of transportation
Netflix should have a catergory called “easy to follow while looking at my phone the whole time”
Sorry I can’t make it to your party this weekend, but I’m busy not wanting to come.
Losing My Religion is a sad song about a misplaced pulled-pork sandwich.
[crab overhears the words ‘crab cakes’]
*applauds with tiny crab clawed excitement* oooh cakes for crabs
[crab sees the crab cakes]
oh no. oh god no.
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
cause baby now we’ve got
baaathtubs
you know we soaking in
maaad suds
so take a loofah for
baaack scrubs
cause baby now we baaathtubs [hey!]
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
I joined my 5yo in Roblox and after she was done giving my avatar a tour of her house, she followed my avatar into the bathroom because she didn’t want it to be lonely. Apparently no version of me gets privacy in the bathroom.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
INTERVIEWER: It says here you can’t read
ME: thanks what else does it say
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Me: I was bitten by a Karen at Starbucks, will I become a Werekaren!?
ER Dr: No, we’ll just need to..
Me: I WANT TO SPEAK TO YOUR MANAGER!
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”