Me: You think you’re soooo cool, wearing shades indoors
My lamps:
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Sometimes even letting your kids watch age-appropriate shows is a big mistake. Showed my kids The Flintstones, and my youngest asked what it was like living with a dinosaur. My 5-year-old pointed at the Flintmobile and said, “is that why your feet look like that?”
My wife told me to get a real job or pack my bags!
What an idiot! Who threatens someone with a vacation???
My husband says I have no idea how to use a comforter which is funny because when I wake up in the middle of the night I’m the only one using it.
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
the earth is not round nor flat. the earth is chicken tenders
My 5-year-old just muttered “Time for plan L.”
I don’t know what plans A through K were, but it sounds like he’s having a worse day than me
My sarcasm will 100% get me killed one day. Someone could hold a knife to my throat and i’d probably say “what are you gonna do, stab me?”
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
Dentist: You grind at night.
Me: Oh, game recognize game.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Is it really based on a true story when actors are hotter than the characters they play?
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
my friend got banned from this bar so she waited like a year and started going back everyday like nothing happened and the other day the bar tender looked at her and was like “you look so much like this crazy girl we had to ban a while back”
Nothing like quiet, peaceful coffee on the patio
Till the neighbors start to mow
Because of how time works, every photo is a ‘before’ photo.
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
*checks WebMD*
Holy crap, I need an ambulance!
*checks insurance deductible*
Nevermind, I’ll just take a vitamin or something.
Boy, Peter Parker is lucky he was bitten by a spider and not one of those fainting goats.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
I hope you get that part you auditioned for, that gig you called about, that job you applied for, the promotion you deserve, the all clear on the medical test you’re nervous about, the text from your crush, the acceptance letter from the school you applied to. Namaste.
Wife: Can we eat outside?
Me: *supportive* Of course babe. I love wasps.
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
I’m watching Peppa Pig right now and I’m wondering what Papa Pig’s side hustle is that he can afford to take his whole family the Paris on a cement inspector’s salary.
Sometimes you find a video that reminds you why social media is the best thing ever
my 10 yr plan is to wait till I’m 9 yrs 11 mos in & then absolutely slay
[sees that Abraham Lincoln is trending]
Please be alive, please be alive, please be alive, please be alive
I can never tell if a woman’s smiling at me because she’s interested or if it’s just my hot dog costume
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in