I don’t like the person I become when I’m alone in the break room with a box of donuts.
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CAPTAIN AMERICA: Avengers, assemble!
*points to a bunch of IKEA shit he just bought for the headquarters*
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
If you ever see me cleaning out my car in the middle of winter, it’s because I have drugs missing.
When I was a kid, my siblings and I used to shove each other down the stairs in a laundry basket.
I remind my parents about these things when they try to give unsolicited advice.
I kinda pictured myself robbing banks one day but my handwriting is horrible.
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
Arranged to pick something up on facebay. On way there they text to say they’d sold to someone else. Stalked their profile until they posted they were in search of something. Said I had it. When they turned up, I told them I’d just sold it someone else instead.
A little sign under the doorbell that says, “think twice, adventurer.”
i have feelings for you. frustration mostly, but still
I knew my ex gf was going to dump me so i set up a profile called “Add Profile” on her Netflix account and 3 yrs later i’m still watching
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
saw a hinge profile that said “dom. cinephile.” like what, are you gonna tie me up with an HDMI cable and make me watch the seventh seal?
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
MAGICIAN: Now the woman is in the box, I will saw her in half!
EVERYONE: *gasps*
ME *whispers to wife* ok you were right, a magician at a funeral is weird
“Are you carrying any treats, sir?”
“No, I’m not.”
“Cookies? Biscuits?”
“Nope.”
“Please empty your pockets.”
“Listen, I’ve already told you-“
“I’ll also need to check your bag.”
“I don’t think that’s really nec-”
“Sir, I’d advise you not make this any harder than it needs to be.”
“I don’t care how goodlooking you are if you don’t have any brains.” -Zombies
Movie Theater: *lights go down*
Me: *quietly removes entire thanksgiving feast from backpack*
[At the Rumble]
her *aggressively taking off earrings and heels*
me *desperately trying to find somewhere to set down my ice cream cone*
Me: I don’t get it. I’ve been watching this show for three hours and I still don’t know which one Boba Fett is
Wife: That’s the Olympics
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
WIFE: [trying to distract our crying baby] give him your car keys
ME: good idea! [hopeful] you think he’ll drive away?
doctor: you have no heart
me: okay wow that’s rude
doctor: no you literally have no heart how are you even alive
demon living inside me: *to me* don’t
me: there’s a demon living inside me
demon: ugh
[psych ward]
me: this is nice they have jell-o
demon: ooo is it cherry
How to fix something:
-Say “let’s have a look”
-Describe the brokenness
-Break it a bit more
-Say “nah it’s broken”
-Place hands on hips
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
It’s gonna take a real idiot to write my autobiography.
I was feeling really festive watching the fireplace channel on tv, until I got confused and tried to throw another log in there.
I was just enviously admiring the energy and flexibility of a 3yo and then he kneed himself in the face.
I better not wake up later and find out stuff is still happening.