Husband of the year 😂
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*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Saying you like a lot of meat in your taco is received differently on Twitter than it is on Facebook.
I know that now.
That time hackers stole my nudes and returned them.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
I’m half potato on my dad’s side
When someone has coordinates in their bio, I feel the need to alert their local police, to counter all the psychos en route to murder them.
Leftist: Abolish prison
Me (realising that would make a Con Air sequel impossible): Hold on a minute
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
sick of all these cute pet names like mittens or daisy. i’m getting a dog and naming it something cool like truckstop or concrete
Henceforth I’m going to say ‘state’ after I say the name of EVERY American state because why should Washington get that treatment exclusively?
kinda adds insult to injury that jesus was nailed to the cross since he was a carpenter. whole time he was probably noticing all the corners they cut like “this wood was not sanded properly”
ANGEL: what are we gonna call the 11th month? I was thinking Vember.
GOD: no, no Vember. Vember is my ex.
ANGEL:
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, so this is gonna sound really petty but I just had an idea-
Not to brag, but I have one of those metabolisms that I can eat anything I want and still get fat
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
I don’t mean to brag but my stalker has OCD so he trims my bushes while he’s hiding in them waiting for me to get home.
My dad told my mom he’d never divorce her because he doesn’t want her that happy.
ME: i have a cold
WIFE: for the last time it’s called an ice cube
I’ve resorted to stuffing my bra with car trash so I can get everything out in one trip, but thanks for carrying that sticker inside, son.
Law enforcement’s cracking down on texting while driving, but there’s no law against standing up and playing saxophone through your sunroof.
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Every haunted house movie:
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
INTERVIEWER:How good are your public speaking skills?
ME:*from behind a tall plant in the office, I throw a piece of paper saying ‘Decent’*
today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean
Please end your conference calls on time. You have no idea who is suffering and needs to go to the bathroom. your question can wait brenda
Sometimes it’s just nice to sit back, relax, and watch shit happen to someone else for a change.
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
I thought I was losing weight but it’s just my hair getting thinner.
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.