I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
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Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Me: I’m going to poop
Dog: Great I’m coming with you
“Kids are disgusting”, I say as I blow my nose in a hanky that hasn’t been washed in 42 years.
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
I’d pay someone to push me out of pictures when I’m drunk.
Dolly Madison should make snack cakes for diet “cheat days” and call them Ashley Madisons.
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
You guys are going to lose it when the Identity Theft Mosquitos get here.
My soul is possessed by fried chicken.
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
I can’t wait for my grandma to ask me repeatedly why I don’t have a boyfriend “because I’m such a pretty girl”.
I’m a psycho, grandma.
My dog barked at the thunder & as a joke I barked a gentle “woof” back & he looked startled. Now I’m worried about what I said to him.
just watched a documentary about a guy who pushed himself 3,100 miles across the united states in a wheelchair because my remote is on the other end of the couch
[picking out a washing machine]
how many watermelons can this hold?
“uhh I dunno, 11?”
only 11?
*keeps walking to next one*
how many waterme
My 3yo surprised me with a giant loving hug and then uttered those four magic words: “I did something bad”
what if everything that’s happened lately is just an elaborate ruse to put The Onion out of business
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
me: “im confused, run that by me again”
doctor: “you do not need to bring your cat to the hospital, that’s just what we call the machine”
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
[Commercial for ulcer medication]
“Tell your doctor immediately if you notice that you have darkened stools ”
Daughter: Hey we have darkened stools in the kitchen. We should tell the doctor right away, right?
Christian Bale named his son Burrito Bale when he could have named him Taco Bale. I want that noted the next time the conversation comes up about who’s the best Batman.
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Anyone who’s ever stood in a busy McDonald’s line at 10:29am not knowing what to get has been closer to getting murdered than they realize.
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
And now we wait
Oh, I’ll take your precious “bribe” but you should be ashamed of yourself. Also, thanks.
Me: Sorry can’t come over, I’m snowed in
MIL: But it’s the middle of summer
Me: snowed in
MIL: and hot
Me: snowed in
MIL: it sum…
Me: SNOW
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
What’s a Messi?
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*