I just tried to place an order for coffee but my husband hung up on me.
You Might Also Like
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
The cashiers at the liquor store really need to start asking me for ID again. I’m not a fan them studying my fine lines above my mask like they’re the Da Vinci code before ultimately deciding I’m an old.
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
I refuse to wear a mask into the store. “Ma’am, we can’t let you in here,” one of the associates explains. I storm off in a huff. The year is 2005, and I am once again too ugly to buy cream cheese
HELLO COWORKER THAT I HAD NOT SPOKEN TO UNTIL I DREW THEIR NAME IN OFFICE SECRET SANTA PLEASE ENJOY THIS DEEPLY INTIMATE GIFT OF AN AMAZON GIFT CARD
There’s no low-key way to explain how you’re donating a third lung to the local medical school
The only reason I’ve been going out with this guy all summer is because I have no idea how to operate my gas grill.
“No, Mr. Bond, I expect you to dye.” Auric Goldfinger giving instructions at his Easter egg decorating party.
What idiot decided to call them meteorologists and not Storm Troopers
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
🤦🏻♀️😂😂
Wife: What are you gonna do today?
Me: Shower.
W: …what else?
M: Make a new iTunes playlist.
W: Wow.
M: Might not have time for a shower.
Wanna spice up your marriage? Say this with a serious face.
Them: Party like it’s 1999
Me: So turn off all electronics and fear airplanes will fall from the sky? OK, I’ll bring beer
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
[Pharmacy]
Me: I need 50 packets of condoms
Pharmacist: Somebody has a busy weekend!
*I wink*
*cut to me making raincoats for my pet snakes*
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
“got milk?” buddy I don’t even have self esteem
[soup kitchen]
*homeless man is handed a plate*
What the hell is this?
-Turkey bacon.
*throws tray against wall*
I’m hungry! Not desperate!
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
I know they took some creative liberties with ‘Noah’ but I really wasn’t expecting that Prius.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
After announcing our weight at birth, parents shouldn’t stop. If they announced it at every birthday, we’d all be a lot skinnier.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
If I die, please avenge me. If it’s an accidental death, just go nuts on whoever.
detective: take him away boys
video: *being dragged away* I DIDNT KILL THE RADIO STAR. I WAS FRAMED
YouTube: *flicks cigarette* the plan is going perfectly
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.