Cooking fresh fruit with sugar is my jam.
You Might Also Like
I used to party all night. Now I check the weather forecast for the next day to see if it’s a good laundry day
Me: *10 minutes into a workday after a long weekend*
My smartwatch: I’ve called all the ambulances
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
As a little girl, I dreamt of being whisked away by a handsome prince.
It’s my husband’s dream now.
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Just went into a women’s restroom and lifted all the toilet seats.
I throw open the heavy doors to reveal a vast library. You scan the seemingly endless volumes, realizing too late & with gnawing dread that the collection in its entirety is comprised of 1980s-era microwave cookbooks as I close & lock the doors behind me.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
My wife and I use the pull-out method of birth control where we pull out our phones and ignore each other every night
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
Normalise saying “better you than me” to people who keep complaining about everything.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
whenever i see babies crying in movies, i feel so bad. but then i remember it’s just pretend. they’re acting. they’re professionals. they know what they’re doing
Obi-wan: These aren’t the droids
Stormtrooper: They look like them
Obi: So all droids look the same to you?
Trooper: No, I-
Obi: Racist
Never forget when I saw CHILD’S PLAY (2019) at a drive in theater on a screen directly next to the one playing TOY STORY 4 and the pure horror on the kids faces when they would look over and see the toys absolute BUTCHERING people
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Finally figured out the reason I look so bad in photos. It’s my face
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
kids today are like “so what did y’all do before the internet? did you just not know anything?” and the answer is yes. you would ask your aunt Marge a question, she’d give you the wrong answer and you’d carry that misinformation for twenty years.
i love nature 🙂 sittin in grass, soakin up sun, listenin to all those weird ringtones that come from those animals in the trees or whatever
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Me: Don’t you hate it when you walk into a room but don’t remember why you’re there?
Executioner: Ugh the WORST
5: why don’t we have an elf-on-the-shelf?
me: oh honey, it’s not that we don’t love you, it’s just that we don’t hate ourselves
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
A typo so bad, they assume you speak German.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.