Smooth, elegant, complex and full-bodied. But enough about me, this wine is fantastic.
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Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
[first date]
Her: I’m really into literature.
Me: I love crime and punishment.
Her: Yes! Incredible book, right?
Me: … book?
I hope the aliens aren’t good at basketball. My chances of making it into the NBA are already slim.
Sometimes music can transport you to a place where you just SHIT THAT WAS MY EXIT BACK THERE.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Recipe called for 3 eggs. Only had 2. No problem, I thought, I’ll just cut the recipe by one third.
Deep within the ingredient list, 2 and 2/3 cups of Bisquick cackled, basking in the moment it would reveal itself, far too late for anything to stop the math that would be needed
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
Elton John: Mars ain’t the kinda place to raise your kids…
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [peers over newspaper]
Elton John: in fact it’s cold as hell
Neil Degrasse Tyson: [nods, goes back to reading]
Shot pool with my 15yo son.
Taught him a valuable lesson.
You can restart a video game 1000 times.
You can only lose your allowance once.
I don’t “make friends”. I get adopted by extroverts and they make me do things.
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
#catsoftwitter
When I die, I’m going out guns blazing with all hell coming with me.
*Dies eating gas station sushi
*picking up coins off the dance floor*
I knew I should have emptied my fanny pack before twerking.
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
“I think therefore I am”
–Yoda pointing at a photo of himself when he was four
“..,you will die in seven days”
*creepy voice on the phone*
Me; “new phone, who dis?”
With this onion ring, I thee fed
Snow White succumbs to avian influenza as a message against the laziness of magically hiring animals to complete household chores.
“I’m gonna call it a day.”
– God, naming things
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
My son told his sister she’d never fit in the trunk and she said she’d prove it and I know I’m supposed to say something as the adult but aren’t some lessons better learned the hard way?
I’ve been pretending to know what “zeitgeist” means for a really long time now.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.