As the best book lists of 2021 drop
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I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
Would you rather live without coffee or without Wi-Fi?
[rejected dialogue from star trek II: the wrath of khan]
khan: revenge is a dish with a dried glob of food on it that won’t come off no matter how hard you scrub
Ok now I can see why they say a dog is a MAN’S best friend. Just asked my dog what he thought of my new boots and it’s like he doesn’t even give a shit.
Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
Inventor of the table: I wish the floor was closer but like not all of it
We caught and released a snake so it can scare the crap out of us in the basement on a different day
Just heard local reports of a stalker, which is funny because I watch everyone through their windows and none of them look suspicious
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
You guys, I figured it out. This whole COVID 19 strain is autocorrect’s fault. Somebody asked for a protein bar but got a protein bat instead. Easy mistake to make.
With so many sequels, I’m beginning to think maybe the missions ARE possible after all…
ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
Me: asks my oldest son to do anything at all
Him: plays dead
My daughters moved out on their own and they call me periodically to ask for advice and answers. I kind of thought watching me raise them would have proven that I’m winging it, but for some reason, they think that I know things?
Remember that tiny bit of constructive feedback that you went out of your way to specifically tell me not to take personally? You’re not gonna believe this.
I play videogames for a few hours and World War 3 breaks out wtf
I’m so happy that I got rid of my $250 cable so I can spend $500 on streaming services.
*bank robbery*
ROBBER: nobody moves, nobody gets hurt!
ME: *gazing tearfully at a pic of my long distance gf* too late
(car dealer)
is the passenger seat also heated?
“Aww for ur wife?”
*imagines putting a fast food bag on warm seat after the drive-thru*
yes
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: Nope, fluff.
Me: SPIDER!
Brain: That is a fly.
Me: SPIDER!!!
Brain: sigh. That’s your hand idiot.
*changes column width by one millimeter in Microsoft Word*
*table stretches to five pages*
Had to pause Willy Wonka & The Chocolate Factory to go buy a king sized Snickers. This is why i can not watch Breaking Bad.
Bad Tweet? Just add Tequila!
Bad sex? Just add Tequila!
Bad day? Just add Tequila!
Bad driving? Just add Tequila… Wait, no. Maybe no.
[emerging from my time machine during the Byzantine-Arab War]
ME: Excuse me, what year is it?
MAN: It’s 830.
ME: [whispering] sorry to wake you, dude. what year is it?
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like
“You see those footprints? It looks like our killer had feet.”
– If you want to know why I was fired as a writer on CSI.