*glow-in-the-dark vampire approaches*
ME: *trembling* Phospheratu?
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i did a little research on why weekends are only two days long and it turns out people made that up. wtf people
Me: omg can you PLEASE chew with your mouth closed
Lion eating me: sorry
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
dm room: tell your dad we say happy birthday!
Me: dad, my internet friends say happy birthday
Dad: internet people aren’t real friends
Me: *to dm room* he says thanks
me: we should get some flowers for our new apartment
gf: orchids
me: whoa we should get married first
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
If y’all ever see me in designer…just know it’s fake or I stole it
The police sent me a photo radar ticket so I sent them a photo of a hundred dollars, so I guess we’re even.
[sees kid crying at the mall]
R u lost?
[kid nods, wiping tears]
Well [blows cigarette smoke in kids face] looks like u live at the mall now
i’m really getting my money’s worth on rent this year
a rock fell out my pocket and i crouched down to find it and a bunch of people helped like i lost a contact. had to pretend it wasn’t a rock
Great Canadian literature.
Hamburger Hinderer.
It’s not the fact that that we all swallow 8 spiders a year that gets to me. It’s the fact that 56 billion spiders a year make that choice.
GOD: Done.
ANGEL: What is it?
GOD: A penguin.
ANGEL: So it can fly, right?
GOD: This one’s a swimmin’ bird.
ANGEL: Dude… are you ok?
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
Yesterday 4 said Stanley the snail on our outside wall was his best friend. Sadly Stanley fell off the wall overnight & showed no signs of life. I was worried how 4 would cope but turns out he’s already best friends with Mary the moth on our kitchen window. 4yos are fickle.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
Mom: I think I’m gonna make a twitter
Me: Mom it costs like $500 a year…
Mom: That’s expensive I’ll stick with Facebook
Me: Aww too bad
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
I’m really tired of the LED headlights on some cars.
I’m really glad you can see 80 miles ahead, but the rest of us are blind now!
due to circumstances outside of my control I ended up at an Applebees and let me say it is absolutely phenomenal to have gen z in the work force. the waitress held up a plate, wrinkled her nose, and went “I wanna say these are…ribs?”
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
My wife was holding a broom, so I packed her away with the Halloween decorations.
Keep the mystery alive and continue to surprise your partner by using chloroform to induce disorientation.
Honey, were out of snake food.
“What? For what snake?”
Honey, I bought a snake