If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
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HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
The time for being a smartass isn’t when someone is in a murderous rage. There’s a discreet unmarked grave out there that’ll attest to that.
The preschoolers got to choose a free book from the book fair, so my kid came home with one we already have because she knows she likes it, and I can’t fault that logic
My husband said I looked tired so I ate his ice cream bar.
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Wife: “Bad day?”
Me: “Stupidhead boss treats me like a kid.”
Wife: “Now now *pats head* eat your nuggets before they get cold.”
Me: *scrunches my face*
13: Your forehead looks like one of those people from Star Trek.
Me: *gasps* HOW DARE YOU!… you know we’re a Star Wars family.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
“what’s your favorite childhood memory?”
not going to work.
This year is like when you accidentally touch wet cat food.
i wonder if the inventor of rotisserie chicken is turning in his grave
ME: I was having a juice cleanse between 6 & 8 p.m
COP: You don’t need an alibi, you’re not a suspect
ME: I know, I’m just telling everyone
Sorry I didn’t call you back, I got distracted for 7 years when I had kids
Day 3 of weight loss challenge: all my coworkers look like tacos. I do not understand how the meat remains in the shell as they walk around.
Gentleman, want to make your lady feel special? Place her picture in the kitchen, and write employee of the month.
She’ll love it! Follow me for more relationship tips
[getting out my vuvuzela] anyway here’s wonderwall
I was so devastated by my divorce that I barely finished the eleventh grade…
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
I would like to nominate my husband for Father of the Year for having the innovation to rename Tomato Soup to Ketchup Soup, thereby getting our kids to actually eat it.
If you leave me a voice mail that asks me to call you back at my convenience you have no one to blame but yourself.
I put a message in an empty wine bottle and threw it in the ocean.
It said, “Please refill and return to sender.”
Now I wait.
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
He thinks the stuffed animals in my room are creepy, but I can’t think of a cuter way to hide all those cameras.
[First date]
Date: I’m looking for a guy who’s above average.
Me: [Trying to be above average] I’ve eaten 17 spiders this year