The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
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i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
[A bengals fan watching Titanic] I can’t wait until the end when Jack and Rose get married
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
them: did u get my email?
me: [saw it but completely forgot to respond] omg no can u resend?
shout out to those who still allow me in their rooms
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
God: *creates oceans*
Lucifer: I SEA what you did there LOL
God: Get out
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
Therapist: Talk about your friends.
Me: Now John at the bar is a friend of mine…
T: That’s a Billy Joel song.
Me: You’re no fun.
Owls are the most beautiful birds. Real head turner.
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
[at Super Bowl party]
Age 24: LET’S GET DRUNK
Age 34: LET’S PARTAAAAY, but only until 8pm because I work tomorrow
Age 44: EVERYONE BE QUIET THE COMMERCIALS ARE ON
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
“I want to feel like chewbaca, but only from the shins down.”
-women wearing uggs
Wine improves with age, I improve with wine.
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
Shoutout to the wife for stacking her shampoo bottles in the shower like she’s on her last 3 turns on Jenga.
My son meets his online girlfriend today, so here’s to hoping she’s the anime loving e-girl of his dreams and not some guy named Steve.
Kids today will never know the joy of being selected to go outside to dust the erasers.
Cat.
My browser asks “are you sure?” when I clear my history as if theres anyone more sure of what theyre doing than someone clearing his history
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
Friend: Well, the more you know-
Me: The sadder you’ll feel
Friend:
Me: Is that not the phrase?
Friend: It’s annoying that you keep getting it wrong
Me: *crying* Well the more you know