Anna: I think I’m turning into solid ice
Trolls: Sounds like it’s time for a 4-minute song and dance
Kristoff: She is literally dying
Trolls: We will deal with that AFTER the SONG
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Wasps: bees, but not helping
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
When you do it as an adult it’s a Wet William
Rubbing alcohol is not as effective as drinking it.
I know there’s this whole “Gen-Z vs Millennials” thing going on but I’m excited to see what my kids roll their eyes at when I get old.
Like I’m just imagining my daughter like “God, Mom, you still use menstrual cups? Just think your period into the cloud like everyone else.”
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
I developed a very large vocabulary to avoid words I couldn’t spell.
I saved a ton of money on a security system by hanging a bunch of shitty wind chimes through out my house.
I don’t believe in astrology but I’m pretty sure the planet controlling your life is Earth.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
I just wish the Oompa Loompas came prancing out and sang a song about each victim in the Saw movies.
I need to get some bricks…
Air conditioning so extreme, you could grow penguins in the living room.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
*sees a very smooth rock*
me: nice rock
my brain: put it in your mouth
me: no?????
Me: I’d kill for a donut
Donut: Whoa I said I was angry, I never said I wanted them dead
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
I’ve been to some bad parties, but none so bad that I’ve thought I was at a work meeting.
My nightie is conspiring to kill me in my sleep by pythonic constriction.
Don’t throw away leftovers! Put them in the fridge for a week to justify it first
WIFE: Will he ever wake up?
DOCTOR: Only a shocking truth will do it
W: i sold his pet hamster
ME *eyes fly open* WHERE HAS THEODORE GONE
I successfully avoided the red-eye flight and got the much milder pink eye flight.
I’m always about 500 calories over the legal limit.
if you’re on the nice list santa brings you the expensive bird seed
texting and driving is the worst. i hate having to pay attention to the road while i’m in the group chat with the boys
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography