Hate it when I can’t find my slippers so I have to stand upon the wings of my pet pterodactyl Benedict as he fetches me the morning paper
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The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
If you want to know how the week is going, I just took a pillowcase out of the dryer, put it over my head thinking it was a t-shirt to wear to bed, spent 15 seconds inside it searching for the neckhole, and then mumbled “what is this, pants?”.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
Teach your kids how to drive a car, get a job, cook, & do laundry from day one. The quicker they learn this, the faster they can move out.
All sex is safe sex if you keep your bright orange reflective vest on.
Me: the pancakes were good but I’m full
Brain: it’s possible you’ll never eat again
Me: more pancakes please
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
You want me to take a shower? the thing that ended dinosaurs?
The same mosquito kept biting me last night. He probably thought he was at a wine tasting event.
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
There’s no “k” in team either. This is fun. What other letters aren’t in team?
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
WIFE: Honey? why is there a deer in the living room wearing your clothes? HONEY?
[Cut to me running naked through the moonlit forest]
Dog finds the fluffiest dogs in daycare, so he can nap on them.. 😊
My wife just shouted “I’M NOT A MIND READER” during an argument that began with her saying “I know what you’re thinking”
*tries to turn on TV*
TV: I have a boyfriend
[accidentally makes eye contact with someone] Oh my God, I am so sorry. Are you OK?
I’m at my most math when I solve a problem while creating three new ones.
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Forget the dress guys….. What color am I?
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No
Weird…my son has been having nightmares about a clown hiding in his closet ever since I dressed like a clown and hid in his closet.
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: I was speeding.
Cop: And why were you speeding?
Me: My daughter said that the red car was winning, sir.
Cop: Omg, sorry I intervened. *shoots out red car’s back tire*
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
[After winning an award]
HOST: Is there anyone you’d like to thank?ME [smiles at wife in the crowd as I lean into the mic] Absolutely not