You Might Also Like
I’ve noticed you keep tiny pictures of family members in your wallet. Nice, I didn’t know you played. I’m looking to trade my Nana card.
Maybe Bigfoot wouldn’t be so reclusive if we stopped body shaming him
I saw a little field mouse while out on a 10k this evening. We regarded each other for a moment and I was struck by the sheer beauty of having an excuse to casually drop I logged a 10k this evening.
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.
Me: I hope you don’t mind if I nibble during sex.
Her: Not at all!
Me: Great!
*Pulls out grilled cheese sandwich*
I bought a second scale to weigh my first scale so I can show it how it feels.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
Every classic folk song is just dubstep turned inward
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
“She loves me not…”
: Picks last petal :
“She LOVES ME!”Flower: “…NOT! LOL nerd”
: Whips out hidden petal shaped like middle finger :
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
The Discovery Channel should be on a different channel every day
OMG you guys!! I have abs
.
.
.
.
.
.
…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
I’m not saying the character Merida was modeled after me,
but I too would rather win an archery contest than be married.
It’s a beautiful morning. Lots of people out walking their phones.
Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
He just like my cat fr
Sharks don’t kill people. Tornados with sharks kill people.
Thought Experiment: Stand on a scale in an elevator. Cut the cable. You, the scale, and the elevator fall — scale reads zero
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
I took my 4-year-old to a children’s museum and they switched up the little grocery store. My 4-year-old was not happy. She turned into a 40-year-old woman shopping at her grocery store real quick, “why is everything different? I don’t like it!”
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
*gets bitten by a radioactive bear
*before developing super powers, gets eaten by radioactive bear
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
*Sits straight up in bed*
“THE CHILDREN”*Kids are sitting in the produce department while two watermelons sleep peacefully in their beds*
toddler: crying (why am i up)
me: i have no idea you should be napping
toddler: (who woke me up)
me: literally nothing & no one
toddler: (why do i have to stay awake)
me: you don’t please do not
toddler: (i am stressed)
me: you could not have fewer commitments or responsibilities
The Shining is my favorite movie about what can happen when you spend too much time with family.