[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
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Roses are red
Violets are phony
Some
BODY ONCE TOLD ME
THE WORLD WAS GONNA ROLL ME
My boyfriend is tall, strong, protective and flashes me regularly.
Oh no wait. I’m thinking of a lighthouse again.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
“Your meal is being prepared and should be delivered in 30-45 minutes”
Perfect. Just enough time to eat a sleeve of Oreos.
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
[first yoga class]
me: a mistake there has been
Them: Mr. Scholl-
Dr. Scholl: EXCUSE ME I DIDN’T GO TO 6 YEARS OF FOOT SCHOOL TO NOT BE CALLED DOCTOR
Them: Sorry, DOCTOR Scholl, can you please put your pants back on, this is an Arby’s
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
911: What’s your emergency?
ME: SOMEONE STOLE MY COMMA.
911: When did you see it last?
ME: JUST BEFORE I SENT THE TWEET.
911: Where was it?
ME: IN FRONT OF THE “AND.”
911: Sir, that’s an Oxford comma.
ME: SO?!?
911: Well, they’re not really necessary.
ME: GO GET YOUR SUPERVISOR.
Dear parents,
Here is your reminder to delete the 1000 photos your 3-year-old took while playing with your phone.
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
If you walk through the store with a dried boogie on your nose people end conversations quicker
Me: I did a line!
Grandma: you’re supposed to say Bingo
Me: *wiping coke off my nose* what
My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
My neighbor’s cat got into the booth with me when I was testing my teleportation device and now there’s cat hair all over my genes.
COWORKER RECENTLY OUT OF THE HOSPITAL: i blew a tire on a mountain road and crashed thru the guardrail, rolling end over end down a cliff into a creek. i was trapped for hours upside-down & near death until a man walking his dog found me and called 911
ME: what kind of dog was it
ME: we can probably take our masks off now since we’re outside
BANK ROBBER: you massive idiot
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too
*job interview*
Wonka: Any questions?
Oompa Loompa: So we just go out and start singing whenever a kid dies?
Suddenly your entire body starts to vibrate. To your horror you realize it’s vibrating to the melody of the Benny Hill theme. This goes on for 2 hours, then it stops.
‘That’s enough punishment for now’, I whisper to myself, and put away the kazoodoo doll…
Most people in horror movies would still be alive, if only those idiots had listened to the audience.
Everyone talks about how social media is bad for your mental health but what about Excel?
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
North Korea claiming they test fired a big rock at Russia.