This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
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Oh you love your mom? Name three of her albums
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Julian Assange became a role model for hackers worldwide by crashing at a friend’s place indefinitely & never paying his share of any bills.
just pretend nothing happened
No I won’t be attending your seance, I barely want to talk to the living
ME: i’m gonna join the army
HEAD SURGEON: we say reattach the humerus
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
*shows up to salsa lessons with tostitos* haha what the heck are you idiots doing
Practice self-care like a lighthouse, let your problems crash all around you but avoid it by gazing mindlessly off into the distance.
5 year old: Mommy, did you get that kind of turkey I like at the store?
Me: Ham? Yes
Me: I’ll see you in court!
Waldo: will you
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
A lot of people have been asking me why I’ve been wearing this hat so much lately and the answer is much more ridiculous than you’d expect. It doesn’t fit my head when I have hair so I’m getting the most out of it while I can.
I saw a woman using a pay phone today and that probably means she’s from the future & trying to blend in but she got the year wrong, right?
Mom taught us that “shut up” was the worst thing you could ever say to someone. But I had bigger dreams.
I don’t eat some foods.
-vagueans
*calls male escort service*
Whispers “How much for… you know… someone to go to Red Lobster with me.”
do not take my piercings out for my funeral or i WILL be back
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Finally got this fire hydrant open, but there was like, the opposite of fire inside
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
DEATH: You’re grounded! Get back here!
DEATH’S DAUGHTER: Whatever. *gets on motorcycle, zooms across tightrope*
DEATH: HOW DARE YOU DEFY ME!
Today, nobody showed up to my 8.15am class.
0 students of about 40. Sitting in the empty room, I email them, trying to disguise my hurt feelings.
2 mins later, I get a reply: “Professor, we think you might be in the wrong room.” So anyway off I go to live in a hole forever.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
Interviewer: Your resume appears to have a few holes in it
Me: Yeah that would be from the ferrets
Attention fat vegans:
Explain.