I handed her the flowers. “You shouldn’t of!” she said. I took them back. “Have,” I whispered
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So society’s *real* key workers have just been revealed.
Not the bankers. Not the traders. Not the elite hedge fund managers.
It’s the nurses. The doctors. The delivery drivers. The carers. The porters. The teachers. The shelf stackers. The check out staff.
#COVID19
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
[babysitting]
Me: *Grabs cigarette* Gotta light?
Kid: I’m only six.
Me: Oh, I thought you were seven. My bad.
[day 1]
hello, world
[day 2]
bit less wobbly today
[day 7]
making other deer friends. getting funny looks tho
[day 26]
turns out i’m a hippo
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
Superman: Look, Lois! Up in the sky! It’s a bird! *squints* It’s a plane… *puts on glasses* Oh, it’s a plane.
Lois: CLARK?!?
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
Great British Bake Off but you pair every contestant with a 3-year-old who really wants to help.
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
we thought buying an abandoned silo and turning it into a Gamer Silo would be easy, but after most of our computers, consoles, LED lights, streaming equipment, and three guys sank into the grain we realised that this was going to be a real challenge.
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Dating tip: If you show a guy naked photos on your phone, 98% won’t notice if you steal their drink.
Before YouTube, people had to travel to music video shoots to argue about Hitler
I’m really happy being single
Unfortunately my husband doesn’t agree!
zookeeper: have you folks seen the lions yet?
me: no, not yet!
zookeeper : ok *starts sweating* well stay calm and let someone know if you do
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
In Canada, she’s Kilometery Cyrus.
Me: *rubs broom back & forth in front of kid gliding in heelys
Friend: pls stop curling children
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
ME: (meeting the devil) I love your eggs.
[running a concession stand] pay me $5 and i’ll admit you were right
“Your barbeque sauce is on my beagle!” “Your beagle is in my barbeque sauce!” *We both grin and put on bibs*
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
her: wanna come over
me: can’t i’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
Gonna leave my TV frozen like this and tell guests it’s art.