speed dating but it’s just me changing tables at a restaurant every few minutes trying a bite of everyone’s food
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Just texted my kid and asked her to call me because I’ve misplaced my phone, she did 😂🤣
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
Me: Listen, I brush and I floss!! You won’t find anything!!
Cop: It’s not that kind of cavity search, ma’am.
MOB BOSS: I think we have a rat
ME: *writing* I’ll pick up some traps and cheese
MOB BOSS: not that kind of rat, you idiot, one that likes to talk
ME: ohhh got it *crosses out cheese and writes in podcast*
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
I am not a parody account. I am The Lord thy God, King of the Universe, and I am communicating by Twitter because My fax is broken.
My parents are happily celebrating their 50th anniversary. “That will be you and me one day,” I quietly whisper to the gym membership I can’t cancel.
My 6 year old just said that if she likes her husband she’ll take his last name, but if she doesn’t like him he’ll have to take her last name. Sounds fair to me.
Ordered a book about trees from my library. It’s on root.
Some days you just feel like a hotel microwave. You’re here, but you don’t have enough power to actually do anything.
Holy moly
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
Before cellphones, my mom would open the window and scream my name until I came back home.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
My husband says I’m selfish, so yesterday when it snowed I let him have the shovel all to himself
I want to fight these b*****s who are 28 saying, “I’m so old!” but I can’t because I hurt my neck looking down at the ground.
Kate Middleton is 36 and just had her third royal baby.
I’m 36 and just had an almond I found in my sports bra.
Guess we’re both living the dream.
Me: Whats wrong babe?
Her: Nothing.
Me:*Pauses DVD of Shrek 2 that Ive had on a loop since losing my job* No somethings wrong I can tell.
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
Minimum wage job description: Will be able to follow simple processes and occasionally drink water without spilling it down self.
Actual job: You’re now responsible for the concept of life itself and also go bring peace to the Middle East. Also blinking will get you fired.
Scarface: SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FREN
me: hi
Danny Devito: well hello there
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
“If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, Stay in Bed. If you’re happy and you know it, getting up will surely blow it. If you’re happy and you know it, STAY IN BED!”
I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.