the only thing getting in the way of my diet is food
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An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
Ninjas owed people money. You don’t get that good at hiding without owing people money.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
I’m not above humming elevator music to end a conversation.
[confession booth]
ME: I committed all 7 deadly sins in 30 minutes
PRIEST: wow I gotta hear this
ME: I was angry and envious of my neighbor so I lazily seduced his wife and ate all his groceries and didn’t share
PRIEST: you forgot pride
ME: no, I’m pretty proud of this
I saw a sign that said “bridge subject to icing” and I thought “that sounds delicious”
Me: Walks in with an exact copy of my husband.
Him: I said cologne.
I’ve started giving camouflage sweatshirts as parting gifts when I break up with people. “I don’t want to see you anymore,” I whisper.
There was a cricket on my toilet seat so I just backed out awkwardly. Lock the door next time, bro.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Son, your mom and I have been fighting a lot lately and we have decided that *dad piledrives mom into the coffee table* we’re gonna go pro.
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
I have a client that speaks French so I like to call him on the phone so I can say Bonjour! and then listen to him say probably very important things I don’t understand but it sounds amazing.
You get to choose which path you take.
I see some of you have chosen the psychopath.
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
“I’m doing good, how are you?”
-Me lying out of my lying liar hole
If alcohol damages your short memory. Just imagine what alcohol can do.
A girl’s tinder bio said “I would die without food” uh okay me too
Who called it baking and not making love
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
My favorite machine at the gym is the water fountain.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
me: i love sleepovers
doctor: this isn’t a sleepover, you’re in the hospital
me: then why do I have this nightgown
doctor: that’s a hospital gown
me: truth or dare
doctor:
me:
doctor: dare