Me: I’ll take one insurance
Insurance salesman: It doesn’t work like that
Me: *shoving $12 in his breast pocket* your best one, please
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My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
I told my boss I’m calling in sick today. He said, “You can’t do that when you’re already here.” Is that true you guys?
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
One thing they don’t tell you is, as a parent, your chances of dying by a T-Rex are greater than zero
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.
I told my son that I hoped he was enjoying the bagel he was eating because I had to go to 5 stores to find cream cheese and he said, “Don’t you mean that you went to five stores because you kept forgetting to pick it up?”
So I guess he likes the taste of dry bagels.
Woke up bright-eyed and bushy-tailed this morning…
…scared the living shit out of me.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
How do you get the avocado back out of the toaster?
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s that
Son: it’s our house
Me [walks outside with son]: do you see how it absolutely isn’t?
[taking out wet laundry]
me: finally everything’s clean!
that one wet sock: where’s the shittiest bit of floor I can land on?
A guy in New York had a CVS receipt
stuck to his shoe.Luckily, a lady in Chicago saw it and
was kind enough to pull it off for him.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
When they say jump, you have to be ready to say, into which volcano.
GF: um—you said you had something important to show me
[a fat little penguin waddles by wearing a monacle]
ME: YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WAIT
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
Why on earth would anyone even buy a deathbed?
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
DATE: My ex was spineless & I don’t think I could date anyone like that again
ME, AN OCTOPUS: what
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Coming Soon
Jason Statham is a reluctant thief with a heart of gold*cue explosion*
PUNCH McEXPLODEY CAR MAN
*fade to black*
My kids teeth are harder than my forehead and no I would not like to elaborate.
*walks into house with head down*
*wife walks in behind me*
*slams the door*
*takes the list of places I’m allowed to go out of her purse*
*crosses off Target*
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
“Why didn’t any of you go back and kill Hitler?”
TIME TRAVELER: We prioritized stopping Zortho the Endless Scourge in 1935.
“Who?”
TT: Bingo