The most dangerous game but it’s just me seeing how many pages of a kids book I can skip at bedtime
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My rapper alter ego is “lil green onion” because I’m a rapscallion
Of course you can trust me with your secret.
*Calls local news team
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
I’ve finally reached the age where no one asks me to help them move.
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
Some women complain that their husbands aren’t observant, not me. I’ve been wearing a new ruby ring (that my husband doesn’t know he bought me) for 3 days now and I’m thrilled he hasn’t noticed.
Alien: we are here to enslave you
Me: *not looking up from phone* huh?
Alien: I SAID..
Me: *still not looking up* yeah I said I’ll do it
never deleting this app.
I missed a call from my mom, so I assume the helicopter that just flew over my house is part of the search crew she called.
Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”
dad: *hands me a taser* only use this on someone who you’re sure is going to hurt you
me: *immediately tases myself*
If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.
I got so shit-faced the other night and when I got home I was starving so I shoved something in the microwave but then I couldn’t warm it up because I couldn’t remember my pin number.
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
I bet there is a Home Alone script where the parents purposely leave for the airport without any of the kids.
ME: i need to talk to you about something kind of awkward
GENE: what is it
ME: hygiene
GENE: hi kev
ad: this vacuum cleans the worst messes
toddler: hold my cheerios
toddler: *drops cheerios*
Me: *shoots gun*
Cop: you’re under arrest for murdering a gun
ICEBERG: heard about ernie?
ICEBERG 2: yep…clobbered by a cruise ship
ICEBERG: gotta be careful—damn things are 86% hidden above the surface
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Find you a freak in the sheets & a librarian in the library.
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
5: What’s for dinner? Probably something gross like last time. So, what’s for gross dinner?
Me: I’m having pasta but I no longer know what you’ll be eating
Friends: Come have a drink with us!
Me: Nah, I’m not doing that anymore.
Friends: C’mon, just one!
Me: Okay, maybe just one…
[ 11 drinks later ]
Me:
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?